Oranges
by thedancingcheese
Summary: All Kirihara wanted was to know what 'copulation' meant. KiriSaku if you squint, crack.


… **And so Kirihara discovers one of life's greatest mysteries. (One-shot)**

/Notes/ **This is a fanfic request from ****Fandom Whore**** with the prompt 'sex ed'… um, I'm not really much into the pairing so I couldn't put much chemistry into this fic. Plus, this is also crack so don't think much about the plot and just enjoy.**

**Also, thanks for Fandom Whore for checking out the mistake. I forgot Yukimura-buchou's existence! O.O  
**

/Disclaimer/ **Argh.

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**ORANGES**

By thedancingcheese

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"The thing is, Kirihara, you'll end up alone for the rest of your pathetic life."

Kirihara Akaya growled from under his breath and shot his seatmate a deadly glare. The said seatmate, a flashy lad from the basketball club, looked at him in gloating. He was known for having had the most experience when it came to girls.

"I'm not at all surprised that you don't know how girls get pregnant!" he continued, chuckling. "You probably still believe in storks, I bet."

"Look," Kirihara hissed, flushing at the truth of his words. "If you don't know the damn answer, then just keep your mouth shut, will you?" He focused back onto the lecturing teacher and silently regretted asking Shin about it in the first place. He only wanted to know what 'copulation' meant, damn it!

"Sorry, man," Shin whispered in a softer voice. The teacher was giving them funny looks already. "I'm just shocked. You know, guys our age usually know about that kind of stuff already. If you want, I've got some steamy videos at home you can borrow…"

"No, thanks," Kirihara cut him off. The offer was tempting but Shin had humiliated him too much for him to accept.

Shin sighed, chuckling. "Oh well," he said mockingly. "Guess you just have to find yourself a girl to show you, won't you, Aka-chin?" And he looked back at the blackboard, where an illustration of the female reproductive organ was shown.

Kirihara had secretly thought of it as the inside of an orange.

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That afternoon, brimming with a persistent curiosity, Kirihara decided to seek the help of his Marui-senpai. The pink-haired senior just laughed at him the way Shin had, especially after he told him what had happened in class. "If you wanna meet more girls," Marui began, still laughing, "go ask Sanada-fuku-buchou. That guy is, like, the MAN when it comes to charming the ladies."

Kirihara considered Sanada and his super-cool hairstyle, and grinned. After thanking Marui, he bounded over to the captain, who was over-looking the morning swing practice.

"Ne, fuku-buchou."

"Hn?"

"Can you teach me how to get a girl?"

Sanada visibly paled at the question. Twitching, he stared into Kirihara's earnest eyes. He pulled Kirihara aside and after checking if anyone was looking, he took out a small book from his Regular's jacket and slipped it into Kirihara's hands. Quietly, Sanada walked away, pretending that nothing had happened and leaving Kirihara with the strange book.

"Famous Pick-up Lines Ever," it said in gold, shiny letters.

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As soon as the latter half of the day had passed, Kirihara memorized half of the book already. By the time the dismissal bell rang and the school eventually let out, Kirihara had already felt like he was Romeo's reincarnation.

So, he didn't waste his time.

He immediately went to the library, where he was sure to find the brainy girls. The first one to catch his eye was a short-haired brunette from Yamabuki High.

"Excuse me, miss," Kirihara began, flashing his pearly whites. "I think the guards are looking for you downstairs."

The girl looked shocked and horrified at the thought. "W-Why?" she asked defensively.

Kirihara batted his eyelashes. "'Cause you just stole my heart."

And Kirihara went out of the library, his cheek red and stinging.

He told himself that the girl probably didn't get it; so instead, he went to a bookstore and approached a girl from Fudomine. He prepared his charming smile again, and to his pleasure, she smiled back.

"Hi, do you know where they sell maps in here?"

The girl was about to point somewhere, when she got it and giggled. "Why?"

"'Cause I got so lost in your pretty ey--- Huh?"

Suddenly, a large boy stood protectively behind the girl, his expression murderous. And he made sure that Kirihara left the store, sporting a black eye.

Kirihara's confidence remained strong, however. He trusted the vice-captain, and if the book was something that Sanada used to amplify his charms, it would surely work on Kirihara, as well.

It wasn't until his third black eye (which he didn't even think was possible), his two cheeks swollen, his shins kicked black and blue, and his hair pulled out by a granny (don't ask; desperate times call for desperate measures), that he realized that the book was irrefutably useless. So now, he had completely come to bear hatred for the stupid book and had decided that Romeo was, in fact, gay.

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Kirihara now sulked in the children's park, swinging his frustrations out.

"A-Anou!" came a voice, which prompted the boy to stop. It was a young girl with a uniform that said that she was from Seigaku. She had two long pigtails, and she looked terrified of his overly bruised face. Kirihara, on the other hand, wanted to strangle her to death (the sight of ANY girl made him want to do so, considering all that he had gone through). "T-The kids over there said that you should be careful. The swings are r-rusty." She gestured nervously towards a group of kids glaring at him.

"Hn."

The girl seemed to have gained courage from his silence. She looked into his face more carefully and asked, "Are you Kirihara Akaya-san, from Rikkaidai's tennis team?"

Kirihara eyed her suspiciously. She had a racket with her, meaning she probably saw him in one of his matches. She didn't look like the slapping or the kicking kind, either. Maybe he could give the book one last chance… No. He was already too tired. He sighed deeply and looked at her openly.

"Hey," he began. "Do you know what 'copulation' means?"

The girl cocked her head. "A-Ah. I'm not sure…" She went through her bag and got out a dictionary. Kirihara's ears perked up as she found the word on the page.

"Copulation," she read out loud. "Noun. The process that begins fertilization. Intercourse. Then there's a drawing of an… orange? I'm not really sure what it is, though…" She looked up at him and closed the dictionary. "That's what it says."

Kirihara's eyebrow shot up. "I know what that means. And I've seen that orange before, too. But what _happens_? I don't get it."

The pigtailed girl shrugged. "I'm sorry, I don't know either."

Sighing, Kirihara stood up and dug his hands inside his pockets. "Guess I have no choice," he muttered. "I'm going to have to borrow those damned videos from Shin after all." He glanced at the girl. "Your name?"

She flushed. "Ah… Ryuzaki."

He grabbed her hand and pulled her with him.

"K-Kirihara-san…!"

"You don't know either, right?" Kirihara asked, looking at her. "So we're going to learn about it together."

"EHHHH?!"

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After two hours, the two can never look at an orange in the same way ever again.

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**The End

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**Why Sanada owns such a book we will never know. **

**I can has review nao? 8D TDC**


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